I haven't found a resolution, so there is no resolution. So, I stayed up most of the night last night. I didn't celebrate, I didn't drink. I did clean the kitchen and cook. I decided to stay up and make my husband's breakfast since he had to go to work *this only happens if I stay up all night- and if I tell him I'm applying to Graduate School again (eek). So, I'm kind of tired of the "new year, new me" crap that I've been forced to read all day.
So this is my Aunt's recipe that my Mother gave me in a cookbook for sour dough biscuits, they're delicious and worth it, it was the first tie I've made them.
No quality control for these photos, they were shot at 3am. I really don't care.
The dough is easy to make.
So, like everyone else you do the "I'm going to lose weight" - "I'm going to do this differently" - etc, etc, but you can take charge and make changes in your life on any day of the year- not just some arbitrary date. There is no pill, no drink, no magic cure to take the place of hard work and effort.
So, I realize that my Graduate School experience was one in which I love everything that I learned but I chose the wrong path because I lacked confidence to apply to the program that I probably should have. I still benefit from what I learned because I learned that it's okay to be mixed race and assimilated. I also know that assimilation was not the fault of my ancestors or my tribe. But, that's beside the point. I am also realizing that my desire for photography is not for anyones approval but my own. Sometimes the only reason you do things is for the approval of very few people. The world could love (or hate) your work and it doesn't matter if you don't.
So here is a recipe and me telling you I'm not at the gym today. It's supposed to be icy. I also have nothing booked for well over a month and that won't be changing. I realize that in writing a blog your opinons can change and morph throughout time, your absolute confidence can be replaced with crippling self doubt and insecurities. Your decisions about business can change as you realize what it's like to be successful when people told you it wasn't possible. I taught history, I was told as a woman I couldn't get a job doing it. I was told I couldn't make money shooting portraits. Don't believe what you are told.
Sometimes you have a lot to say but not the right audience to speak to. I think that is why I'm continually looking towards education to find the place where I feel comfortable because I don't have that in my life. So no matter how irrational it seems I still crave education. I miss it, I miss discussions and class. I also know that I didn't study what I was truly passionate about from 2011-13. But, it wasn't a mistake at all, it is a starting point to continue to find where I need to be.
I had something odd happen today, but it really has nothing to do with what is on my mind or has been on my mind. It did make me think of Resolutions and peoples desire to clear the air or start a New Year fresh. It is odd how our digital age has such an impact on us, because we put ourselves out there in public and we form opinions of people we don't know at all, based on pages and posts. It is interesting to think that far many of you who read this have an opinion of me and I may have no idea who you are.
So I am having some clarity, but no resolution.