I wasn't in a very good mood this morning. I felt absolutely disinterested in everything I needed to get up and do. I finally went to get some exercise out in the country and realized after two miles that it was just too hot. My heat resistance is low anymore it seems to not take very long to feel the creeping feelings of heat exhaustion on my runs and I've discovered that I'm much happier with winter running as much as I crave the lush greenery of the warmer months, my body craves refreshing 50 degree days.
I grabbed my camera and left my water bottle at the car. That was a mistake for a two mile walk, which I wasn't planning on running so I didn't think I'd need it.
Sometimes I have so many questions about life that I will never know the answer to. I don't know what motivates me, I don't know why I continue this page. It is meaningless isn't it? Does it matter what people think of it? So I'm sitting here listening to Sting's Be Still My Beating Heart, which is one of my favorite songs, listen to the lyrics and figure out why. Soon, I will see his genius again.
I wonder why this photography matters, what is it about capturing an image and translating it into my own emotions. Photography, I think is about emotions. I create feelings. It isn't a language, but it tells a story. It captures a moment; an insignificant nano-second of my life and experience.
This doesn't matter. Why should you care to see it. I was sweaty, hot, and craving fluids by the time I shot this. The collies were in my face ready to smother me with affection as soon as I kneeled down to take a shot.
When I began this page I was eager to let everyone know and wanted everyone to see. Now, I don't immediately tell people I meet about it, or that I do photography. Eventually I will share it, but it's not a big deal. Five years ago, I didn't really know anything about photography, I was enjoying having my cool, new, slim pink casio which I loved. I had taken some interesting photos here and there of my kids but I didn't think it was something I could repeat time and a again and I had little interest in photography other than it was something I couldn't afford for my family photos.
Photography and running have changed my perception of the world. They've given me a chance to explore my introverted side, the part of me that craves time alone without other people. I was sad, regretting not feeling as if I had a lot of friends this morning and how easily I lose them or they fade away after the experiences with them are over (such as college). But, then I went out this afternoon and realized that I value my own company far more than that of others, often, it is what I find my strength from. I find my words, a place of peace. I can't always find the answers I'm seeking or understand anything at all in life, but I know that being outside is a religion to me, more than praying to a deity or relying on others to tell me the answers.
I was disappointed in myself this week. I felt like my Graduate School experience ended with disappointment and hurt, and I felt as if I was harshly judged in a course that wasn't taught as I would teach it. After nearly a decade of experience as an educator, I felt that I'd failed myself but in some ways I knew that for once it was not entirely my fault. I could see the importance of excellence in education. I dont' feel that my thesis went the way I imagined, I don't feel that it was truly an expression of myself and it left me soured with academia, the whole idea that your ideas must be justified through the ideas of another previous academic, seem hollow. It is a hollow world of finding others to justify your knowledge. I don't want to justifiy my experience and knowledge -I now know I don't need that anymore. I'm satisfied with myself (as much as I'd like to be a more accomplished writer- it may never be my strong point). I left feeling hollow in a way accomplishing a goal, yet feeling like I still not satisfied with myself, hollow in making friends and feeling comfortable in a place and losing that place.
So here I present you simple butterflies. Simple, little, beautiful creatures who bring us joy. I bring you my confusion and loss. I dont often write this way, because I don't often share this side of me. I know it's the side of me most likely not to be understood. It's the esoteric side of me that writes about poetry, literature, politics and emotions. I haven't felt comfortable sharing this "me" with many people. Because it is the "me" that is open to judgement.
It's the me that is trapped inside of my head, that fills my thoughts at two am. It's the me that I don't share. It's the one that says I don't crave anyone's opinions of how I write or what I say. I'm not asking for opinions, judgement or input. It is just how I think and who I am. The person that will never be satisfied with herself, the person that wants to think there is something more out there, something that will make me feel like all the answers are clear, no longer clouded by obscurity.
How do you accomplish a goal and feel satisfied. How do you say "That's Enough," that's what I wanted to do with my life. How do you say, no more chasing dreams, goals, hopes, fantasies. How do you stop and look at your life and say "It is full, beautiful and everything I want." Is it my fate to be eternally discontented. Maybe so. But I'm not unhappy either. In someways I look at myself and my life and short of being "more beautiful," younger or all of those things you wish for when you're in your thirties and feel time begin slipping away. It's not bad, is it. The one thing I believe is that every day may not be good but there is something good in every day. That is what being happy is right? Finding something that makes you happy every single day. Even if every day is sorrow, there is always a glimmer of hope.
Photography is about light, finding the light even if there is darkness near. All photography is is light, isn't that what happiness is, finding the light in the darkness. Religion is finding light in the fear of darkness, we're all photographers, we're all seeking light in our own darkness.